Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?. "I'm four and a half!" You're never 36 and a half. You're four and a half... going on five!
That's the key! You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life happens... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony; you become 21 --- yyyyyyes!!!
But then you turn 30. Ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. "He turned, we had to throw him out." There's no fun now, you're just a sourpuss.
What's wrong?? What changed?? You become 21, you turn 30, then you're pushing 40. Whoa! Put on the breaks, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you reach 50... and your dreams are gone. But wait, you make it to 60. You didn't think you'd would!!! So you become 21, turn 30, push 40, reach 50, and make it to 60. You've build up so much speed that you hit 70! After that, it's a day by day thing; you hit Wednesday. You get into your 80's, and every day is a complete cycle; you hit lunch. You turn 4:30. You reach bedtime. (My grandmother won't even buy green bananas. It's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.) And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's you start going backwards; "I was just 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again; "I'm 100 and a half!!!"
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of
testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test, took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test.
Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
New computer software, but not from Microsoft.
Last year a friend of mine upgraded girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Beer Bash 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as Mother-In-Law 55.8 and Brother-In-Law Beta release. As a consequence, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:
A "Don't remind me again" button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another annoying problem: all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
******** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before
executing a self-uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,
claiming insufficient system resources.
******** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ********
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different
system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also,
beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses
that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a
UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses
which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
There was a father who was very close to his son. They used to go
everywhere together, including calling "chickens" (prostitute). One day, the
son decided to go overseas to further his studies.
The father was very supportive. Before his son left, the father told his son, "We cannot call chickens together for the next few years. However, if you need to call a chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please list the expense as "Shooting Bird" so that your mum will not suspect." So the son left.
For the first month, the father received the bill from the son, Shooting Bird-$1000
Subsequently for the next few months, the bills for "Shooting Bird" were above $1000. The father could not tolerate this anymore so he wrote to his son.
"Son, you have been shooting really expensive birds. Why don't you try some cheaper ones."
A month later, the father received a bill from his son. It showed:
$ 2 000
A Father is a man with pictures in his wallet, where he used to keep his
money when he was single.
There's this kid who lives on a farm. He comes home from school, in a
really bad mood. He sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks
the chicken. Then he walks into the house.
"I saw you kick those animals", his mother said, "For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week."
The kid's about to say something, when his father walks in the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat.
The kid says to his mother, "You want to tell him, or should I?"
During the rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and you want me to promise to "love, honor and obey" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
Day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to the main event, when it comes time for the groom's vows the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "yes."
And then the groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put his $100 into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer."
This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has
never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick
black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags
the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night.
The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned
craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,
"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't
been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a Dick:
1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following
is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
49 times you were too tired
22 times you had a headache
20 times it was too hot
19 times you had to get up early
17 times it was too late
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
15 times you pretended to be asleep
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
9 times you said weren't in the mood
9 times you said your mother would hear us
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished,
6 times you just layed there
and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on
38 times you worked too late
36 times you did not come home at all
33 times you came too soon
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
21 times you didn't cum
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
19 times you went soft before you got in
10 times you got cramps in your toes
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you
missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the
ceiling, what I said was , "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The
time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Okay new Dads, and dads to-be, look out for your Daughters (and hope
your sons grow up smarter than we did)
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect ma good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex mithout utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate --ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, and 5.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - nobody will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696969696969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have posttraumatic stress disorders, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 0.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 0.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 0.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four
hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left", so they turned around and went home.
What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.
What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!
What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.
Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh
look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"
How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a "scratch & sniff"-sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her joke on Wednesday.
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the
Second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing
of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks
around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at
the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9
iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the
frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies,
"Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next
hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes
out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what
to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life
and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,
"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do
you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit 3000, black 6." Now, this is
a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the
heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his
winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am
forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog
turns into a gorgeous 16-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which
was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's
Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly,this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter!
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters whish have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the Silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps sush as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' wiz 'v'. During ze fifz year ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar shanges vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evriun vil find it ezi tu undrstand esh ozer.
Zen Z Drem Vil Finali Kum Tru!!